How Things Usually Go

Are you tired of having arguments with your wife? Have you ever wondered how to increase connection instead of making a bad situation worse? Look no further. When you married your wife you were marrying someone who is different from you many ways, I would even say different from you in almost every way. You may similarities in common, but the old adage “opposites attract” is tried and true. You are two different people and you will have to different conflicting opinions most of the time. This is normal.

Some couples try to avoid argument because they are “tired of getting into arguments.” That may sound like good reasoning, but it is not. Disagreements and airing grievances are fertilizer for the relationship. They stink and you don’t really like them, but you also look longingly at other couples wondering why and how they have it so good, it is because they can talk about hard things with an adequate amount of finesse.

Men, when your wife shares something unsavory from the past please don’t roll your eyes. Don’t think “This again!? Why isn’t she over this!” Every time your wife is talking to you she is giving you emotional subtext. Men usually get caught up in the details. Men think that women aren’t logical and more emotional. Value the emotional data she gives you, it can transform your marriage.

The secret to speaking with your wife is to understand the emotional subtext in the conversation and to show empathy to her. I have met with men who told me they have no idea what their wife is feeling. That is a problem, but we can work with that. If your wife sounds angry, what you can know for a fact is that she is feeling fear or sadness under that anger. If you just assume she is feeling worried or hurt 90% of the time you will be successful in connecting emotionally with her than anything else you can do. You want to spend about 4 to 5 sentences describing how her worry or sadness might feel for her. Get in touch with your poet side and really do your best to demonstrate to her that you understand her. Then check in with her. If you have done this correctly, she will say “yes” when you ask her if she feels understood.

Here is a video on from Dr. Gottman on how to maintain emotional connection.
If you want to improve the emotional intimacy of your marriage you can contact me now.