I remember looking at graduate schools to apply to for my master’s degree and I sat in on a presentation by the BYU MFT faculty during their graduate fair. The presentation talked about how some couples come into therapy with their relationship already in “stage 4 cancer.” There isn’t much you can do as a therapist to salvage this relationship. The betrayal has already occurred and to a degree to which pain, hurt, fear, and resentment are the prevailing emotions. Unhealthy patterns of coping and behavior are deeply entrenched.
What if we wound back the clock? What if your relationship isn’t yet on jagged rocks and fallout of betrayal and lies. What are the ingredients that prevent this from occurring? What are the healthy cycles to get into to keep your relationship strong?
Trust is the bedrock of a relationship. Bolstering trust depends on a few things:
Share your feelings. Are you feeling great? Are you feeling sad? It doesn’t matter so much what you are feeling as much as sharing what you are feeling with your spouse. If they know how you are feeling they will know better how to respond to you. Every time your honestly, tactfully, and tastefully share how you feel there will be an increase of trust.
Go over the schedule between you two every week. This may seem simple, it is, but it will increase the trust through osmosis. If you go through what needs to be done throughout the week and the appointments, etc., then it will be easier to know where the other person is. This will also reduce conflicts that may arise from poor communication about schedules.
Daydream and go over worries/fears somewhat often. Give yourselves time regularly to daydream about goals and aspirations. This gives you two something to hope for, and with a foundation of trust hope is the scaffolding allowing for the relationship to grow more robust. Sharing fears does a similar thing, whereas dreams gives you something to work for, fears helps you know what to guard against and treat with care and tenderness.
This is a primer on making sure the trust in your relationship grows in the proper direction. When you are tending fruit trees you want to make sure the branches grow in the direction you want them to, you prune the ones going in the wrong direction. You apply pesticide to kill borers that eat away at the bark. You thin out the fruit so that a smaller number of fruit may grow large and succulent. Likewise in your relationship you bolster behaviors that strengthen your bond with each other, clarify your dreams, and guard against fears in order to stop them from germinating into reality.
