Let’s Get Ready to Rumble
Arguments in marriage can feel like a prize fight where you two are enemies and only one can win.
First, much of couple conflict is repeating the same patterns over and over again. Breaking unhealthy marriage cycles requires doing something different. The majority of couples struggles with repetitive patterns of arguments wonder how they can stop the merry-go-round of fighting. Usually it ends the same, with both spouses wondering why they would argue over something so silly and petty. The common thought is the doubt that things can ever be different. You enter into any tense situation with a defensive stance. You know all your spouse’s arguments and already have “gotcha” questions to ask them in return. Breaking the cycle will mean to lower all defenses.
Anatomy of a Fight
Additionally, fights can be two people arguing, one person ignoring the other, or two people having a tense, icy silence between that so thick you can cut it with a knife. Breaking the cycle is doing something different. You might even think about what a usual fight looks like between you two. Breaking the cycle could be sticking you tongue out and making a funny face, or it could be waiting for an awkward silence and saying something corny. These “repair attempts” require your spouse to accept them.
Another way to break the cycle is to change your entire mindset. So, in session I call this “someone being mature for 15 minutes.” This requires you to change the way you think about your spouse when you hit an impasse. Instead of thinking of them as a rigid, stubborn jerk, you could try to think of them as a person who isn’t getting their needs met. They are feeling lonely, stressed, worried, sad, etc. If you can believe that if their need is somethin you can either meet, or at least help them feel understood you will start becoming a master at deepening emotion instead of blowing up again.
The Magic Line of Questioning
One of the best questions you can ask to prevent an argument is to guess what they are worried about and then ask verify if you’re right or not. This changes the trajectory of the conversation. If your spouse makes that face after you come late without texting them, it does not take a rocket scientist to understand why they might be mad. “You are mad that I didn’t communicate with you and you were worried I might not be safe, am I close?” Focusing on emotion and validating reduces the chance of fighting considerably. Finally, breaking unhealthy marriage cycles will start when you are intentionally doing something totally different than what you regularly do. if you are ready for expert help to break unhealthy marriage cycles reach out to me today.
